Dear Etsy

If you’ve spent any time lurking in the Etsy forums recently, you may relate to these faux threads.
NOTE: This is a purely fictional blog post; any resemblance to persons or events real or imagined is, quite simply, a matter of opinion.  So there.



Dear Etsy: I cheated on you last night with Ebay.

Dear Etsy: There’s a reseller in my soup. Please remove it ASAP.

Dear Etsy: Do these jeans make me look fat? It’s all your fault if they do.

Dear Etsy: I want 6 months’ notice whenever any of the Admins change their socks.

Dear Etsy: That seller is being mean to me. I’m telling my Mom.

Dear Etsy: Please post a thread at 8:00 a.m. Monday-Friday advising what color shirts the Content Team is wearing. I really need to know this.

Dear Etsy: Yes, I realize that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but they’re not really valid opinions unless they agree 100% with mine. IMO.

Dear Etsy: Life would be much, much simpler if the whole of Etsy, Admins and Community alike, would study and hang on each of the 8000 words written in my thread entitled “This is exactly what everyone NEEDS.”

Dear Etsy: Q: How do you stop a speeding train? A: Throw snarky, liquored up sharks wielding cupcakes and pennies in front of it. Oh wait, no, that's how you cause a wreck.

Dear Etsy: You are not treating the Bacon category with the respect and admiration it deserves. Bacon is greasy goodness at its very best. Any member who does not consume it daily should be forever banned from the site.

Dear Etsy: The sock puppets called. They want their accounts back. I told them to go stick their head in the toilet and wait for that to happen.

Dear Etsy: If I should happen to post a snide comment, please ensure it does not show up in a Google search. I wouldn't want anything I say to reflect poorly on me as a business owner. On second thought, never mind. I just don’t get the correlation between the two anyway.

Dear Etsy: With Negativity’s recent spike in popularity, it should immediately be given its own forum heading. We can’t all be optimists, you know.

Dear Etsy: I get numerous convos daily from spammers and scammers. And don’t even get me started on the convos I get from sellers who scold me for not wearing my big girl panties. This is unacceptable. I’m just sayin.’